November 13 2008 – Thin & butterflies

I got an e-mail today sweetly telling me the person couldn’t wait to see skinny me. Skinny me? Twenty pounds lighter is far, far, from skinny. A lot of people have said things like that to me. Are you skinny now? I wish surgery took it off that easily. I wish the magic wand was waving and I was suddenly skinny.

When people look at me now I can see them start at the top and work their way down, or vise versa, to see what’s missing. Then I can see them surmise…..not much. Well shit. Exactly what do they expect from me? It’s not like I had 150 pounds liposuctioned out. I merely had a twisty tie added to my stomach. It is working, but please give me a year or two.

I’m finding the emotional side is really kicking into high gear. I feel now that I’m eating real food, albeit soft, I’m going to stop the honeymoon phase of losing and enter the drudgery of slow, but sure.

Anytime I eat now, I feel like I’m cheating. Tonight I ate some barbecue and beans, probably 4-6 oz. How is that cheating? It’s not, but it’s weird to eat food. Last night it was a few ounces of chicken and some rice and 2 tablespoons of cheesecake, literally. Is that cheating or finally eating like a normal person? I see the nutritionist next week. I’ll let you know.

How long does it take before a chrysalis turns out a beautiful butterfly? My friend Amy will know. Butterflies are some of her favorite creatures. I remember when she taught lower primary at Grant’s Lick Elementary she always had butterflies for the children to learn from and the netting where they dried their wings was mesmerizing.

I’m a butterfly wanna be.

Right now I’m the caterpillar. I have found the stalk upon which to morph. The casing is strong, keeping me safe, while I discover the miracle of myself. But, the process has just begun. I hope I have the patience to cope.

I hope others have patience with me too.
No, I’m not skinny not by any stretch. But I wanna be.